ARCHIVE:: DECEMBER 2001 :: ON CAMPUS

Living Among Strangers
You Don't Have to Be Friends With Your Roommates to Get Along With Them

By Harlan Cohen
Special to The Wall Street Journal

I just got back from a conference in Boston with over 1,000 college students representing over 130 colleges in the New England region. Besides speaking at the conference over the weekend, my plan was to research this month's column on roommates. But my research took an odd turn on Thursday morning.

On Campus Harlan Cohen

I was eating a chocolate chip muffin and cantaloupe in a mall cafe across from the Hynes Convention Center in Boston when I bumped into three girls from Saguaro High School in Phoenix, Ariz. It turns out that these high-school seniors were attending a journalism conference in Boston. One of them had even read last month's "On Campus" column in her Economics class. So instead of following my outline for my roommate story, I decided to ask them what they wanted to know about roommates. Then, I went off to my conference, and got the answers from today's college students.

A Big Gamble

Roommates are a gamble. You don't know what you're going into. But then again, you don't need to. A stranger is only strange until you get to know him or her. Then they just become weird.

Assuming you don't go to prison, your college days are the only days you'll get to live with a total stranger. That's an unsettling thought, but it doesn't have to be a scary experience. It took Laine Monaldo, a senior from Bentley College, four years and 12 roommates to find her new best friend among this semester's crop of roommates from Sweden, Minnesota and Jamaica. Her secret to roommate success has been very simple: "If you have a conflict work it out!" And that seems to be the common thread. If something about your roommate is bothering you, say something soon, or the little things will become huge problems. (Ms. Monaldo's other secret: "Do not live with anyone you know!")

Chris O'Grady, a resident assistant, or "RA," at Thomas College in Waterville, Maine, also stresses the importance of simple communication. Mr. O'Grady, a sophomore, speaks both as a former roommate and as a supervisor for an all women's floor in a dorm. His story of the candy wrapper says it all: "Someone didn't pick up this little candy wrapper that was sitting there … it was there for four days and then the dam broke. They had a blowout. It started with a tiny wrapper and turned into unrelated things."

Again, it's all about communication. I couldn't agree more. My freshman college roommate stopped talking to me late second semester. He totally went silent. Still, I didn't stop talking to him. I would say things like, "Hey, Mike, I'm going to grab some dinner. If you're not hungry, don't say anything…." He wasn't hungry.

If you don't want to take a gamble on a stranger, you can choose to live with a best friend from high school, but chances are you're going to lose big time. Eating, sleeping, showering and hanging out with the same person day after day is way too much for even the greatest of friends. Having a friend down the hall is the perfect compromise. You get to know their new friends. They get to know your new friends. Then you can have more friends and keep your old friends. Besides, living with a friend is NOT what college is about. The beauty of living with a total stranger is choice. You can choose to be friends or not be friends.

Brandi Gilbert, a sophomore at Bay Path College in Longmeadow, Mass., recommends three roommate strategies for success:

• Respect each other's space, culture and differences.
• Create roommate rules together to avoid uncomfortable situations that can become big problems in the future.
• Understand that not all personalities will mesh. You can be great roommates and not have to be great friends.

No Psychos

Afraid of being stuck with a psycho roommate? Don't worry. It probably won't happen. You might just end up with a roommate who wears your underwear when he or she runs out of her own. That's what happened to one student I spoke with. She made her discovery while doing her roommate's laundry as a favor. She never mentioned it to her. Instead, she quietly moved her underwear to her desk drawer. The good news is that her roommate stopped "sharing." The bad news is that she often finds paperclips in her underpants.

Do not waste your time worrying about psycho roommates. If it happens, and it's highly unlikely, there are RAs who can help you. There are always options. True psycho nightmare situations are rare. If they happen, they will last only a short time. But you can keep the stories forever.

I've had over a dozen roommates in my roommate career. One smelled. One was a slob. One smoked anything he could light. One cried a lot. One made funny noises. One ruptured his esophagus while vomiting from drinking too much. One had a past roommate who came out of the closet. Many had different religions. All had different family backgrounds. I've seen a lot. I've also learned a lot. One thing is certain-roommates who want to get along will ALWAYS find a way to get along.

Send your comments to harlan@helpmeharlan.com